


Cartman's Orange Theory of L-O-V-E

by kylarileiza



Category: South Park
Genre: Humor, M/M, Multi, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-14 01:18:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14759844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kylarileiza/pseuds/kylarileiza
Summary: In which Cartman has his own ideas regarding certain matters and how to go about achieving them.





	Cartman's Orange Theory of L-O-V-E

_A/N: More totally random stuff. And I DO mean RANDOM. All in good fun!_

It had started out innocently enough one day. Kyle and Stan were making plans for the weekend while Kenny ignored them, perusing his dirty magazine as covertly as he could manage. Eric Cartman glared at Kyle and Stan, upset he wasn't getting an invite, too.

"Whatever, assholes," he said with a smile, trying to hide any hurt that might be there. It was a feeling he never really knew what to do with, a feeling he usually buried quickly and harnessed the energy into plans to make it disappear. Kyle and Stan both looked over at him, each with a guarded expression, Kyle always the one being more upset at the interruption. Cartman went on, "I have my  _own_  plans this weekend."

"And I bet they  _are_  on your  _own!"_  Kyle exclaimed, unhappy about being interrupted. Cartman was always cutting into what little spare time he had, completely uninvited.

"Yup. I'm going to Orangetheory."

Kyle frowned. "What?"

Stan frowned and bit his lip for a second, trying to recall where he had heard that word before. "Wait, isn't that a…..smoothie shop?"

"No," Kyle said with a shake of his head. "No, that's Orange Julius. This Fatass here is saying he's going to a  _gym_. I'm sure all that Honey Boo Boo stuff got to him finally."

Cartman threw his pencil at the two friends. "Hey! Her mom is  _gorgeous_ , didn't you hear?!"

"What does that have to do with anything?!" Kyle demanded.

Stan shook his head at the two. "So, Cartman, you're really going to a… a  _gym?"_

Cartman crossed his arms and nodded his head firmly. "Seriously, I'm going to a gym. This weekend. Maybe even this afternoon. It is Friday."

"There is no way in hell you're going to a gym," Kyle protested. "I don't believe you. You're probably actually going to just go eat a pint of orange ice cream or five and  _say_  you went to the gym. What's the theory, orange ice cream is going to make you lose weight?"

Cartman stuck his tongue out at Kyle at this. "Ahahahahaaha, you think you're so smart and you don't even know what it is! Well! Let  _me_  tell  _you,"_  Cartman said in a sing song voice before getting serious again. "You go there and you can make people fall in love with you." Stan laughed at this, if he'd been drinking anything, he definitely would have snorted it, he was laughing so hard. It took a couple moments for Kyle to join in the laughter and Kenny soon followed, having abandoned his magazine for the curious conversation his friends were having. Cartman crossed his arms again, clearly unhappy with the reaction, his mouth curled downwards at their doubt. "Yeah, laugh it up, but it's true. You can come and see it for yourself if you don't believe me."

"This is just a ploy to be able to hang out with us this weekend," Kyle stated, still in disbelief that Eric Cartman, of all people, was going to a gym to kick off his weekend. There was  _no way._ Judging by what was said next, Stan must have been thinking the same thing but his thoughts weren't quite on the same page as Kyle's.

"I kind of wanna see this," Stan declared as if this would be a good choice for entertainment. Kyle gave him a look that clearly stated what he was thinking which was  _are you serious?!_ Stan shrugged. "Yeah, I wanna see what this Orange Theory is all about."

Cartman did a victorious fist pump with a "yeah!" to complete it as if Stan stating he wanted to go meant he'd won something, which, as far as Cartman was concerned, meant he'd won a fight with Kyle even if Stan was totally unaware of said fight. If Stan was going that meant Kyle was definitely going and that only left… Cartman glanced back at Kenny, who had lost interest and was dividing his attention between his magazine and friends. "Kenny, you come, too. So that these two won't lie and say they never saw me at the gym. And you're wearing orange, it's perfect!" Kenny made to protest but it quickly died in his throat at the three vicious glares he was on the receiving end of. He gulped and nodded. Orangetheory it was.

School had ended and the four friends were standing in front of Orangetheory. Kyle and Stan were both staring at it as though they didn't understand how this place had come to be in their mountain town. Kenny was looking through the glass wall, checking out some of the people working out and wondering what they were doing.

"It's real," Kyle got out through disbelief. He had really thought they were walking right into a prank but apparently not. Stan could only nod also surprised it was there and a little worried that he thought he might have glimpsed his father. Kyle frowned at the people. Some were sitting on rowers and others jogging on treadmills while someone with a headset microphone was walking between all of them, likely giving out instructions. There was a couple monitors that reminded him of bowling but with much smaller screens. The place didn't look big and the room the people were in was dark and there was definitely a lot of orange. And a splat symbol. So many splat symbols. There was no way Cartman wasn't up to something, Kyle thought, with a look at Cartman who was standing proudly in front of the large glass wall that looked into the workout room with all the people changing equipment and working their hearts out.

"My class is next," Cartman announced proudly.

"Okay," Stan said uncertainly, starting to feel a little weird they had followed Cartman to a gym and that his own father might be in it. Was he the one being set up for a prank and not Kyle?

"Yeah, yeah, Fatass, you showed us a gym. And your class doesn't start yet. How convenient. So, what's the theory?"

Cartman clapped his hands in front of his face, excited at finally being able to spill the theory and right in front of the place, too. "See those monitors?" he waved his hand towards the monitors and his three friends nodded. "You see those that are red? That means the person is working super seriously hard and is in the love zone and people will just fall head over heels for them. The orange means they're almost there, that they're breaking hearts, and the blue just means you're cool."

Kyle's mouth was hanging open at this. "That is bullshit. There is  _no way_  that  _that's_  their theory."

Stan scratched his head. "I'm not really sure I'm totally following, but, Cartman, who are you trying to get to fall in love with you?"

"Isn't that obvious?" Cartman asked. Stan glanced over at Kyle. His best friend gave him the look that if he dared to say his name, Kyle would be dragging his body into a deep grave before the night ended. Cartman rolled his eyes. "Not, Kyle, Stan. He's  _already_  in love with me like a whole bunch. I don't need to get my heart or blood pumping for him."

" _What?!"_ Kyle screeched. Kenny was laughing hysterically, having fallen to the sidewalk and grabbing his sides. Stan was rendered speechless, he had no idea what to say to that. Cartman was not bothered by Kyle's outburst or the murderous glare that was sparkling in his friend's eyes.

"Yes, I found a bunch of stories on the internet and it's pretty clear that Kyle loves me. He is obviously glowing with the gay."

Finding the conversation to have taken such a bizarre turn, Kyle wasn't sure where to start and instead sputtered, "Gay people don't glow, idiot!"

"Yeah, they do!" Cartman exclaimed. "They glow and twinkle, some people call them 'twinks,'" Cartman attempted to update his friends on various terms. Kyle's face was turning darker shades of red, expression lost somewhere between embarrassed, angry, and frustrated. Kenny was laughing harder with every word that came out of Cartman's mouth and Stan's face was starting to turn its own shade of red, confusion still in his eyes.

"I'm still not really sure I'm getting what you're saying," Stan said slowly. "Why do you need this place then?"

Cartman puffed out his chest and looked sullen for a minute. "Because. Those stories always have me or  _you_. Or  _Kinny,"_ Kenny stilled at hearing his name and Cartman went on, "in love with Kyle. See? He's totally glowing with gayness."

"I'm  _not_  glowing. With  _anything!"_

Cartman ignored Kyle's outburst and went on. "But you know in those stories, they hardly have  _you_ or  _Kenny_  falling in love with  _me."_

Stan's mouth dropped open and he gave a slight shake of his head as if trying to shake something out of his ear; surely his hearing was going. Surely he did not just hear Cartman say what he had just said. Kenny was completely silent also trying to figure out if he had pulled his hood on too tightly.

Kyle wasn't sure whether to find this hilarious or horrific and settled for somewhere in between. "You're trying to make  _Stan_  and  _Kenny_ fall in love with you?" He looked at the gym. "With this place…?"

Cartman nodded his head confidently. "Yup. I'm gonna steal them away from you, you greedy Jew. You just think you can have  _everybody,_ don't you?!"

"What?!" Kyle exclaimed. "What's that supposed to mean. And you're not stealing anything from me!"

"Yeah, I will! As soon as I get in there and I get my screen red! If I do it for the whole hour, it's, like, a  _guarantee!"_ Cartman practically glowered at Kyle. "At least  _one_  of them will have to leave you for me."

"We're not with him," Stan tried to weakly protest but was drowned out by Kyle's angry voice.

"As if, asshole! Like I'd ever lose to your  _fat ass_  at a gym!"

Stan's mouth fell open and he shook his head again, positive he was hearing wrong. " _What?!_  Kyle! We're not actually together. I have a girlfriend, remember?"

Kyle whirled around to look at Stan. "I don't care! Cartman seems to think otherwise and I'm not letting him steal anybody away from me!"

"Like I would fall in love with Cartman!" Stan protested and realized his argument was getting so far into the land of bizarre, he wasn't sure he trusted anything else to come out of his mouth.

Kyle pointed dramatically to Kenny, who was still on the sidewalk, completely still and looking up. "Well, what about Kenny?!"

Cartman looked over at the friend in question and grinned in triumph. "Yeah, he's so torn up over it, he can't get up off the ground."

"See?!" Kyle demanded.

Stan looked at both Kyle and Cartman, incredulous. "No, he's probably just died of shock or something!" He stared at Kyle again for a minute. "Kyle, come on, this is crazy." Kenny finally did get up as there was commotion within the gym, signalling the end of a class, and he stood by Stan since they were the current stars of the Kyle and Cartman show.

"No, I'm staying! I'm not letting Cartman steal anybody away!" Kyle exclaimed again as people filed out of the gym and new people started to file into the workout room.

"It's time for my class!" Cartman cried excitedly. He pointed to Stan and Kenny. "Just you two watch. I'm going to have your sweet asses chasing this fine ass in no time!" he promised indicating his own ass. With that, he hurried into the gym. Stan stared after him in total shock, not sure how to process what had just been said.

" _See?!"_ Kyle yelled again, chasing Cartman into the gym. No way was he letting any of this go down. He wasn't quite sure he was following all of it and he didn't care; he was not going to be showed up by Fatass in a gym.

Stan and Kenny stood outside the gym, Stan wide-eyed. "I am so disturbed on so many levels right now. I just can't even describe the level of crazy we're at right now. I'm not sticking around for this show." Kenny nodded and slipped his hand into Stan's, muttering something through his hood. Stan started and jumped away from him. " _No._ We're not going to go somewhere and make out! Have you not heard  _anything_  I just said?" Kenny crossed his arms and mumbled something else. Stan rolled his eyes. "No, you not showering for the past couple weeks has nothing to do with me not wanting to make out with you. But now that I know that, it's definitely not happening." There was a happier mumble through the hood and Stan sighed exasperated. "No, that didn't mean there was a chance before. And you know if the water is cut off at your place again, you can always shower at mine." Another teasing mumble and Stan's face was going red again. "I'm  _not_  trying to get you in the shower, I mean I _am_  but not like  _that."_ Stan ran his palm across his face, starting to feel like he was going to pull his hair out. "Whatever. Let's just go before I lose any more of my mind." Kenny happily complied.

Meanwhile, Kyle had been blessed or cursed, depending on who you asked, with an available spot in the class. A very happy coach had practically dragged him in and was kind or, in Kyle's opinion, evil enough to make sure he was with Cartman the whole time, assigning them to be next to each other the whole class. They were on the treadmills and Cartman kept speeding his up until he was running, teeny shoes barely hitting the conveyor belt, the incline dangerously steep, his screen on the monitor red and staying red. Kyle followed suit, not to be outdone by his peer. Gasping and panting for breath, the two still managed to argue with each other, unaware of the odd glances they were getting from the other people in their class. Their screens were side by side on the monitor so it was just a giant block of red for an extended amount of time, Kyle's slipping into the orange and Cartman laughing. "See! See! It's going to happen! They can't only love you!" Kyle growled and stepped up his game, sending his monitor back into the red. The coach instructed everyone to switch stations. It took Cartman and Kyle a minute to adjust to a slower speed and lower incline to get back to normal and get off the treadmills before going to the rower machines. The coach stopped them for a second.

"Hey, hey, you two can chill a little okay? I appreciate the enthusiasm, but you can take it down a notch or several."

"I'm getting on the rower!" Cartman's voice sounded tinged with the onset of insanity and he completely ignored the coach. Kyle nodded at the coach and mumbled an assurance he would try to take it down a notch. He was on the rower less than two seconds after Cartman, both noticing their screens having turned orange and each frantically pushed themselves to make the screen turn back to red, sweat dripping off each of them and Kyle tried to tell himself the smell in the air could not just be his sweat. This went on for almost a whole hour, rotating at the coach's instructions, Kyle desperately trying to keep his screen in the red. For the cool down period, Kyle and Cartman's screens still kept jumping into the orange and red despite everyone's else's going blue and even gray in some cases. The coach asked the two to stay as the rest of the class left. He stared down at the two sprawled on the floor, each gasping for breath.

"Are you two trying to kill yourselves? You're not supposed to stay in the red practically the whole time."

"Yes, you…are," Cartman protested through his pants, hardly understandable.

Kyle was wheezing at this point and began to gasp out very different concerns to the coach. "Is this… a bad time to… tell… you…that I'm diabetic...and asthmatic?" he finally got out to a coach whose whole body screamed alarm at the words Kyle managed to gasp out.

_"Oh my god!"_


End file.
